So, if you haven't read Part 1 - you have to. It's mandatory. :)
Part 1 is here.
Okay, so that was a downer. Trust me, so very difficult for me to share. Realizing that my greed had become a disease was harsh on my soul, but agreeing to be upfront with others about it - well - adulting is hard, but faith and the grand will of God is too good, too powerful not to share. I can't reasonably expose God's unfathomable mercy and grace in my life if I don't first expose my sinfulness. So, there's that.
And why, exactly? Because I'm in His army. I'm a deliverer of His good news. When I signed up, I signed on - and sharing is the mission. I so desperately want you to know Him if you don't already. And I desperately want you to know that He loves those of us who have radically jacked up. My sinfulness goes way way back. If you don't know these things about me yet, you will.
And even if you do already know Him, maybe you just need to be reminded that it is never too late for Him to show up in ginormous ways.
So, here's part two.
February 26th arrived, the year was up. Statute of limitations had passed and I was free from myself. I had signed on all the dotted lines and sighed. Actually, I snot cried. I wailed and gagged and I really wish I were exaggerating for comedic effect, but it wasn't funny at all. All I had wanted was closure. I had spent a fair amount of time uttering cave-woman prayers. "God.make.crap.stop." "Life.hard..Make.hard.stop." "Me.need.peace." "Make.chapter.close."
Closure is all I wanted. And I begged for it. But even after that day passed, I felt like I had lost, having nothing to show for the year myself and my family had endured.
One week after my hand penned the fated end on the dotted lines, Spring showed up. Unseasonably warm and early, all the weeds in the landscaping around my yard called out to me. Please uproot us, they said. I hadn't been able to work in the weeds and flowers the year before because my back couldn't handle it. Slightly over one year later, I was in the earth on my hands and knees getting dirty and happy. I'd pinch a stem near the root and ever so slowly uproot it carefully - and then toss the weeds aside. I did this bit by bit, gently smoothing the dirt as I worked to make it level again. Enjoying the freedom to move without back pain...( I had just had a high dosage epidural steroid injection deep at the site of my injury)...and so thankful to have my hands back in the dirt - something happened.
I smoothed the dirt, and as I did, a little white button surfaced from beneath the earth and found it's little way into my little hand. I brushed the dirt away from it.... and as is common for the Holy Spirit to reach me, He began to speak through the mud. I looked at the button and then at the sky. Even alone, I had to speak aloud and ask God, "What does this mean?"
His Spirit washed over me and whispered one word...
It's all buttoned up.... the physical injury, the mental torment, the fear of my mother's health, the agony of the momma sore, the worries and the anger.
As impossible as it had been for me to willingly agree, I had obeyed the Spirit against all my worldly wishes. I know that this button is my earthly reward for a hellish journey. And it's white for goodness sake.
Part 3 and 4 are going to be super fun for me to share with you. As I sit in this moment, goosebumps have just covered my whole being. I know what this means.... the Holy Spirit is excited too.